The Art of Acceptance
Virtually every spiritual and religious tradition throughout history extols the virtues of acceptance, claiming that it is through acceptance that we gain the state of inner peace that makes happiness possible. As a simple solution for suffering, Buddhism teaches us to accept everything with an all-accepting heart and mind. “By pushing nothing away, no matter how frightening or unpleasant, we learn that there is nothing that we need to fear, that our True heart will not be damaged by the fires of suffering” said one Buddhist teacher.
Deepak Chopra, bestselling author and spiritual guru to millions teaches that acceptance is fundamental on the path to enlightenment, suggesting the following affirmation: “My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment.” Wayne Dyer, renowned author and spiritual teachers said, “If I could define enlightenment briefly I would say it is ‘the quiet acceptance of what is.’”
Despite all these teachings, acceptance is absent from the lives of many. We resist what is, focusing more on how we wish things were different and we condemn ourselves to frustration and bitterness. We fight against ourselves and our realities and the more we push, the worse we feel. This struggle is a lost battle even before it has begun.
As a youth, the idea of acceptance seemed liked something in a foreign language. I was so wholeheartedly committed to having the things I wanted that I stubbornly resisted the adage “…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” I refused to accept the idea of acceptance.
And so my quest for happiness was a bumpy ride. One day a number of years ago I realized that it was precisely those things which cannot be changed or cannot be changed yet which we must accept. But I had no idea how. I did not know if it was an innate skill that some had and others didn’t… all I knew was it was not something I had done before.
I had a good friend who was naturally very happy and a light bulb went on in my head. There is a principle in success psychology called modelling. Essentially the principle suggests that whatever you want to do, find someone who can do it and model them. Learn their mental strategy and you can achieve the same result. I thought that if he was happy, maybe I could figure out how he did it and do what he was doing. I was right.
All too often it is our resistance of what is that causes unhappiness. When we resist our emotions, battle against our current situation in life or reject unchangeables such as our height, colour or appearance, we have a recipe for unhappiness.
When we bring acceptance to things we grant ourselves the gift of calm and peace, which is far more pleasant that the discomfort of resistance. Accepting things as they are can be liberating and frees up energy that be directed to more useful aims. Accepting things as they are also grants us the power to change those things that can be changed. When we accept things, we meet them where they are and can then move them in other directions. Instead of resisting his opponent, the skilled martial artist will direct his enemy’s own energies against him instead of using his own. The same principle applies for our emotional lives.
But simply wanting to accepting things is not enough. We need to know how. And we need to start with an understanding of just what acceptance is. To put it simply, acceptance is a mental and emotional state, just like fear, anger or joy. We move in and out of different states all day long. Right now you are likely in the reading state, just one of the many you have experienced today, such as boredom, fatigue, excitement, curiosity etc.
To learn to accept things, we must enter a state of acceptance. Think of all those things in life which you simply accept already; perhaps the weather, the colour of your hair, the quality of your voice… whatever it may be for you. See how many of these you can come up with and notice how you feel as you think of them; you simply feel acceptance for them. Now, holding on to this feeling, bring this perspective to those things you need to accept and notice how this transforms things. You can strengthen this by saying the words, “I accept this. I allow it to be as it is.” Language is not only used to describe experience, but can also shape it. Use words to reinforce your acceptance.
In questioning my friend about his ability to accept, I asked him if there was ever something important which he had to accept. Of course there was. He wanted to pursue a certain career but was unable to because of a medical condition … and so I asked him how he did it.
The information he gave me taught me how to accept. He said that when he thought of what he wanted he saw it vividly in his mind. When he knew he had to accept it the image faded away as bright and vivid images of all the other possibilities of what he could do instead popped into his mind. It was so simple. I tried this on myself with something I wanted to accept and it worked like magic. When I opened myself up to all the other possibilities using the same mental strategy, it was easy to accept things. I no longer needed or wanted to cling to rigid desires and could begin to take the path of least resistance.
If you’d like to make today a day of peace, surrender to what is. Let go and say silently to yourself, “I accept things as they are. I allow things to be as they are. I surrender to what is.” And you may find that when you do this, things you thought could not be changed suddenly transform.
