Emotional Alchemy
It’s only human to experience emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, guilt, shame and all the others that we tend to classify as “negative.” Often these emotions are healthy reactions to events and they are useful to us in many ways. Fear warns us of potential danger and causes us to be prudent. Anger lets us know our values or standards have been violated and something needs to be done. Guilt signals us that we have violated someone else’s standards and keeps us from doing so again. These are healthy reactions; without them, we may have no way of knowing how to respond to people and events.
But why do our natural emotions often become a problem? Why does fear become anxiety and panic? Why does anger become uncontrollable rage? Why does sadness turn into depression? What causes a natural human emotion to become overwhelming and unmanageable?
The latest developments in the field of psychology have shown that our emotions result from our thoughts. First, we experience events and circumstances in the world around us. Then, we interpret these (thinking), giving them meaning. Next, we respond emotionally to our interpretation (our own thoughts). To put this more simply, we can represent it like this: event –> interpretation –> emotions.
But what determines whether emotions get out of control? Interestingly enough it is not the event, nor our emotional response to the event. Rather, it is our response to our own emotions: (event –> interpretation –> emotions –> response).
Some schools of traditional psychotherapy believed patients became patients because they were not in touch with their own emotions. To assist them in getting in touch with their feelings, therapists would ask their patients a typical question; “How do you feel about that?” It turns out that this doesn’t really assist the patient very much in making any changes, partially because the problem is not always at this level. What the therapist needed to ask is: “How do you feel about feeling that?” It is our response to our own emotions, how we feel about how we feel, that determines, well, how we feel.
Imagine this: you feel upset about something that occurred. Then you feel angry about feeling upset, and then you begin to feel guilty about being angry. Finally, you feel embarrassed about feeling guilty… and then someone asks, “How do you feel?”
Consciousness does not exist on one level; rather, it exists in layers of responses. What is most important to realize is that is the higher level emotions that drive the lower. How we respond to our emotions determines how we feel. Sometimes we can even get stuck in a loop of emotions and thinking that we cannot seem to get out of.
Suppose you are sad and you respond to your sadness with sadness. Being sad about your sadness becomes depression, and severe depression when the sadness about sadness loops in an endless cycle. What about feeling shame about your sadness or fear? This will multiply the unpleasant emotions driving them to higher and higher levels of intensity. How about fear of fear? Being afraid of fear creates anxiety and indeed, those who experience panic attacks are terrified of panicking.
These higher level emotions and responses drive lower emotions and can either increase them, reduce their intensity, or transform them completely.
What happens when someone enjoys fear? They frequent horror films, go bungee jumping, skydiving or mountain climbing, which is very different from anxiety. Enjoying fear creates thrill and excitement. What about being curious about your anger? The result is far from rage. But we can get into trouble if we enjoy sadness or take pleasure in anger. When we respond to our emotions with seriousness the result is quite different from when we respond to them with humour.
Many have difficulty managing their emotions because they resist or reject their emotions. They fight with their emotions, and it is a battle they cannot win. The more they resist, the worse they feel. They say things such as, “I hate my anger,” “I am disgusted with my fear,” “I can’t stand this guilt.” In essence they turn all of their power against themselves with these negative self-judgments and evaluations. They become their own worst enemy and a cycle of internal conflict results.
Those who are emotionally balanced respond to their emotions primarily in two empowering ways: first they are accepting of their emotions. They allow themselves to feel what they feel without resisting. Bringing acceptance to anger, fear, sadness and other unpleasant emotions reduces their intensity, leaving these emotions manageable and allowing us to respond appropriately. Second, those who are emotionally intelligent respond to their emotions with appreciation. They value the purpose those emotions serve and they heed the message those emotions are trying to convey.
What happens when we bring acceptance to the fear that has led to anxiety or worry? What happens when we bring appreciation to the sadness that has led to depression? What about when we bring acceptance and appreciation to guilt and shame? The result is emotional transformation.
As you begin to bring acceptance and appreciation to your emotions and thoughts, noticing how this transforms what used to be problematic, you will find that those old emotions will decrease in intensity. Where earlier there was merely conflict and distress a new sense of peace and well-being will begin to form.
