Becoming Uninsultable: Developing Immunity to Criticism
No matter who it’s from or what it’s about, criticism can try your patience and your good manners. Research shows that about 70% of people respond immediately to criticism with overwhelming negative feelings. And lucky for us, there is no shortage of people ready and willing to give their two cents.
When we criticize, we do it to make things better. Despite positive intentions, no one seems to be able to handle it well. We can dish it out so easily, so you would think we would be able to take it and use it well for learning and growth… but not so! Even if we want make things better, few have mastered the art of making good use of criticism. We respond to words, tones and gestures as if they are “real” and somehow have the power to abuse us. We sink into a pit of bad feelings and then respond to criticism with even more criticism, which then leads to more criticism. Some live by the “out of sight, out of mind” principle. They try to ignore criticism and avoid dealing with it, which is not much better. If that doesn’t work, they will turn inward and let loose with their own self-criticism.
How do you respond to criticism? Do you inevitably react with displeasure, dismay and discouragement? Do you take insult all too easily? Do you fly into a rage and fall into a pit of self-loathing? How easy is it to push your buttons?
What if you could respond to criticism with appreciation, delight, contentment and understanding and then make good use of the information? What if you could look criticism right in the face and handle it with grace and charm? Would you like that kind of power? What could you do with that kind of graceful resourcefulness?
Consider this: has there ever been a time in your life when you responded well to criticism? Perhaps for some reason you didn’t take offense. You remained calm and composed, evaluated the information and took what was useful? What was different then? If you can do it sometimes, why not all the time? What if you could be uninsultable?
There are those who have mastered the art of making good use of criticism. In fact, they don’t even see it as criticism. To them it is just information. In their world, there is no such thing as “hurtful words.” They take in the information as feedback, evaluate it for its usefulness and make changes if they have to. They believe that feedback is useful and necessary and appreciate it when it comes. Criticism to them is not the opportunity to feel bad. They can take criticism without being on the defensive because it’s the chance for learning and growth. No one can pull their strings. They have full control of their own buttons. No one can rattle them because they just don’t take insult.
Just what do they do? Yes, those who can handle criticism resourcefully do specific things with their mind, specific things that others can learn… to be uninsultable.
Just what is their secret? First, they have a sense of internal distance from the information. They step back from it in their mind and can evaluate it clearly and objectively without getting defensive or abreacting. Instead of getting caught up in it they keep a larger perspective. This psychological distance is key because it eliminates the emotional black hole that usually accompanies criticism. Then they can treat the criticism as just a piece of information, and not as a personal attack.
To achieve this, imagine watching yourself receiving criticism. Step back and observe the content of the criticism. If you need to, move the picture away from you so you can gain more “psychological distance” from it or sit in the 100th row of your own mental cinema. With that internal space you can think comfortably and clearly about what has been said. You won’t feel as involved personally and you won’t get caught up in the content of the criticism. You may also want to put up a Plexiglas wall between you and the criticism. This way of perceiving sets up boundaries that will enable you to remain centered in your own values, principles and sense of self.
Next, those who take criticism artfully remember that criticism belongs to the other. They are empowered to remain calm and centered and do not take responsibility for another’s thoughts, perceptions and feelings. They know that criticism is always a question of opinion and never the gospel truth.
The uninsultable are able to see beyond vague and general information. They are willing to explore the feedback they receive and are able to ask the right questions to get specific information about what the criticizer wishes to communicate. When they have precise details they can compare what they hear to what they know is true. Only when they have all the details can they determine if the information is useful and discard aspects that may not be.
There is more to uninsultability beyond these key factors, but what is important to remember is that criticism can help you be more successful. Feedback can be vital to success since it gives you a perspective and insights you might not have had. It’s cleat that businesses with employees who are immune to criticism can listen to a customer’s concerns, take them as feedback, make changes and keep customers satisfied and loyal. If employees take insult at the slightest hint of criticism, the business suffers.
When we are faced with criticism, a world of opportunity lies before us in how we could respond. Just like those who take criticism with grace, you can program your mind for un-insult-ability and live immune to criticism. You can custom design your own state of un-insult-ability which will allow you to make good use of information, resolve conflicts easily and feel good more often.
When you attain the ability to live in un-insult-ability, you attain a level of existence far beyond most humans, and in fact, this can be attained quite easily. Those who take criticism artfully learned to do so and you can learn to do so as well.
